BOUNDARIES

HOW TO SET THEM AND HOW TO KEEP THEM

Are You Ready to Set and Have Healthy Boundaries?

If your response is, “That’s me!”… then you need boundaries.

Sometimes we need to say No to people so we can say Yes to God. Boundaries are needed in all areas of life and they can be difficult to establish and even harder to maintain.

Learn how to say No to people so you can say Yes to God.

We are unable to be or do everything for anyone, much less everyone, so we must choose who we will be and what we will do regarding the people God brings into our lives. Jesus established boundaries for His relationships by prioritizing the Father… discipling the Twelve… and being intimate with the few. He also set boundaries on His actions…

Do You Have Boundaries?

Is your life controlled by someone else?

Is your schedule dictated by someone else?

Do you say yes to everyone and no to no one?

Do you find yourself easily taken advantage of?

Are you feeling stretched beyond your limits?

Are you meeting yourself coming and going?

Are you overcommitted, in over your head, always burning the candle at both ends?

Do you try to be everything to everyone?

Is your life swallowed up by someone else’s life?

If your response is, “That’s me!” ... then you need boundaries!

It may be increasingly obvious that you need to know where your responsibilities end and someone else’s begin. You need to say yes to God and no to everything that’s not His will. Yes, you need ... boundaries!

Like nations, relationships rise and fall based on the security of the boundaries that guard and protect them. If we try to be everyone’s best friend, we will be no one’s best friend. We all have limits on our time and on our emotional and physical energy.

We cannot be or do everything for anyone, much less everyone. We must choose who we will be and what we will do regarding the people God brings into our lives. Jesus established boundaries for His relationships by prioritizing the Father ... discipling the Twelve ... and being intimate with the few. He also set boundaries on His actions. ...

“Jesus gave them this answer: ‘Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. ... By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.’” (John 5:19, 30)

What is God’s Heart on Boundaries?

God’s heart on boundaries is one of love, protection, and wisdom. Boundaries are not only a practical tool for healthy living, but they are also an expression of God's desire for us to live in alignment with His will, care for ourselves, and honor others. By setting boundaries, we protect our spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being while also ensuring that our relationships and responsibilities are in balance. Through boundaries, we can live freely, purposefully, and in a way that honors God and those around us.

God’s heart on boundaries reflects His love, wisdom, and desire for our well-being. In Scripture, boundaries are seen as a means of protecting our emotional, spiritual, and physical health, ensuring that we live lives that are aligned with God’s purposes. Boundaries are not about building walls to isolate ourselves from others, but rather about creating healthy spaces for self-care, respect, and honoring God’s design for relationships. Here are several key insights from Scripture on God’s heart concerning boundaries:

Boundaries Reflect God’s Order and Design

Genesis 1:1-3, 2:15-17: From the very beginning of creation, God established boundaries in the natural world—day and night, land and sea, and the Garden of Eden itself had limits. God also set a boundary with Adam and Eve, instructing them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Key Insight: Boundaries are part of God’s good design for creation. They are meant to help us function within the boundaries of His will and wisdom, ensuring our lives are orderly, fruitful, and aligned with His purposes.

Boundaries Are for Our Protection

Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding your heart is an example of establishing a boundary to protect your inner life.
Matthew 5:29: Jesus teaches, “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.” This radical call emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries to protect ourselves from anything that leads us into sin or harms our spiritual walk.
Key Insight: Boundaries are meant to protect us from harm, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. God calls us to guard our hearts, protect our purity, and avoid things that lead us away from Him.

Healthy Boundaries Promote Healthy Relationships

Matthew 22:37-39: Jesus emphasizes the importance of loving God and loving others as ourselves. This implies that in order to love others well, we must also understand how to care for ourselves and set healthy boundaries.
Luke 10:38-42: In the story of Mary and Martha, Jesus gently rebukes Martha for being overwhelmed by her tasks and neglecting her need to spend time with Him. Jesus sets a boundary by affirming that Mary’s choice to sit at His feet was better, showing the importance of prioritizing our relationship with God.
Key Insight: Healthy boundaries enable us to maintain balance in relationships, ensuring that we are not overcommitted, overly dependent on others, or neglecting our own needs. God values our relationship with Him, and setting boundaries helps us nurture that relationship.

Boundaries Teach Responsibility and Respect

Galatians 6:5: “For each will have to bear his own load.” This verse teaches personal responsibility, suggesting that while we are to help others, we also have the responsibility to manage our own lives and tasks within reasonable limits.
2 Thessalonians 3:10: “For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.’” Paul emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one’s own life, which includes setting boundaries around laziness or dependence.
Key Insight: Boundaries promote personal responsibility and respect. We are responsible for our own actions and choices, and part of honoring God involves setting limits that help us maintain this responsibility.

Boundaries Help Us Prioritize God’s Will

Mark 1:35: “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” Jesus set boundaries around His time to pray and be alone with His Father, even though there were many demands on His time.
Luke 5:16: “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Again, Jesus modeled setting boundaries for personal time with God, teaching us the importance of retreating from distractions to focus on our relationship with God.
Key Insight: God desires for us to prioritize Him and His will, and setting boundaries in our time and attention allows us to keep that priority in focus. Spending time with God and seeking His guidance are crucial elements of setting healthy boundaries.

Boundaries Help Us Honor Others’ Freedom

Romans 14:12-13: “So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.”
1 Corinthians 10:23-24: “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”
Key Insight: Boundaries also help us honor the freedom of others. In relationships, we are to respect the boundaries and freedoms of others while also being mindful of how our actions might impact them. Healthy boundaries are essential for mutual respect.

God’s Grace Helps Us Set Boundaries

2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God’s grace enables us to set boundaries without feeling guilty or condemned. He gives us the strength to say no to things that hinder our spiritual growth and well-being.
Key Insight: Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or harsh; it is about recognizing that God’s grace is sufficient to help us navigate the challenges of life, and His grace empowers us to set healthy limits.

How to Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Setting and keeping boundaries is essential for emotional and spiritual well-being. Here’s how to ensure your boundaries remain firm and effective:

Stay Aware of Your Feelings (Philippians 4:13)

Pay attention to early warning signs when your boundaries are being tested.
Remind yourself of the reasons you established the boundary in the first place.
Recognize that repercussions exist because some individuals choose to disregard boundaries.
Reaffirm what God’s Word says about strength and self-respect.

Prepare and Practice (Galatians 5:23)

Anticipate challenges and plan your responses in advance.
Role-play with a trusted friend or practice in front of a mirror to strengthen your ability to say no.
Start with small situations, such as refusing a telemarketer, and build confidence.
Take note of how you feel afterward and thank God for helping you stand firm.
Trust that enforcing your boundaries will become easier with practice.

Overcome False Guilt (Hebrews 10:36)

Recognize that feelings of guilt over setting boundaries are misplaced—boundaries are necessary and healthy.
Stay consistent so that others learn to respect your limits.
Apply consequences when boundaries are violated, reinforcing their importance.
Keep your focus on the bigger picture as you persevere.

Rejoice in Your Growth (1 Corinthians 16:13)

Stand firm and trust that God will give you the strength to maintain your boundaries.
Honor and respect the boundaries of others as well.
Thank God for His guidance and for the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus, who empowers us to live in wisdom and freedom.

By holding firm to your boundaries, you safeguard your well-being, nurture healthy relationships, and walk in the strength that God provides!

Types of Boundaries

Physical Boundaries - are territorial lines that divide one area from another. (Genesis 2:16–17)
Moral Boundaries - are ethical lines that divide right from wrong. (Genesis 3:17)
Personal Boundaries - are lines that separate one person from another. They are the healthy by-product of realizing we are uniquely separate from one another and personally responsible for our own attitudes and actions. (Proverbs 4:23)
Relational Boundaries - enable you to stand up for yourself and speak your mind appropriately, feel comfortable in giving honest feedback to others, and be firm with others in a loving and gentle way. (Luke 6:31)
Emotional and Mental Boundaries - according to relationship experts Henry Cloud and John Townsend, equip you to evaluate your emotions in light of God’s Word, guard against letting emotions rule you by focusing your mind on God’s thoughts, and allow you to communicate your thoughts in a Christlike way. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Moral and Ethical Boundaries - teach you to know the difference between right and wrong, live a life of moral integrity, discern the true character of a person, and evaluate the right way to think and act toward others. (Genesis 4:7)
Sexual Boundaries - authorize you to determine whether or not you will allow a person to touch you sexually, determine areas of appropriate sexual expression, determine personal purity that preserves sexual activity for marriage, determine the parameters you will place on your thought life, and determine what you will allow yourself to watch, listen to, and participate in that is of a sexual nature. (1 Thessalonians 4:3–4)

“We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.” (1 Thessalonians 2:4)

“What are legitimate boundaries?”

Generally, good boundaries...

Define our individual separateness and protect the treasure— potential, unique personality, abilities, and spiritual gifts—that God has entrusted to us
Enhance and encourage the development of Christlike character within us through mutually respectful relationships
Prevent us from establishing bad boundaries that shut out meaningful interaction with others
Build walls, which at the same time contain doors, allowing us to have safe interaction with others

“The highway of the upright avoids evil; those who guard their ways preserve their lives.” (Proverbs 16:17)

How to Set Good Boundaries

The best way to start the boundary-setting process is by reading God’s Word and praying. These are two vital, spiritual components for determining how to live a life that is both pleasing to God and fulfilling for you. You must lay a solid and steadfast foundation, and that foundation is the Word of God.

Another important step is consulting with several people who have firmly established, biblical boundaries. Glean some sound advice from them as to where you should start. Be sure to...

Step 1:

Pray for the Lord to reveal to you your need and how to move forward.

Step 2:

Pinpoint where your boundaries are weak.

Step 3:

Partner with someone who will hold you accountable.

Step 4:

Prepare to see changes in your relationships with others.

Step 5:

Permit yourself small rewards along the way. Boundary building is hard work!

Step 6:

Provide a support system of friends and family for strength in the potential “danger zones” that can trigger old responses.

Step 7:

Prioritize the people or areas that you want to set boundaries for—don’t try to tackle all of them at one time.

As you commit your plans and efforts to God and begin the process of working with your accountability partner, remember...

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)

DISCLAIMER NOTICE: The information contained in this resource is general in nature and is not intended to provide or be a substitute for advice, consultation or treatment with a duly licensed mental health practitioner or other medical professional. This resource is intended to provide practical faith-based guidelines for balanced living and is not a replacement for medical advice. Professional services should be pursued whenever necessary and/or appropriate. By utilizing this resource, individuals acknowledge that Men of Faith is not providing direct clinically-oriented mental health treatment or therapy, and that it does not create a therapeutic relationship between any individual and Men of Faith. Individuals who use this resource also agree to indemnify and hold harmless, Men of Faith, its licensees, affiliates, and assigns, as well as the officers, agents, and employees of Men of Faith and its licensees, affiliates, and assigns, from and against any and all liability, loss, damages, costs, charges, legal fees, recoveries, judgments, penalties, and expenses, which may be obtained against, imposed upon or suffered by Men of Faith. Additionally, certain views and opinions expressed in this resource may be those from sources other than Men of Faith and do not necessarily represent the views of Men of Faith, nor imply an endorsement by Men of Faith. All rights are reserved worldwide and no part of this resource may be reproduced in any form (print or electronic) without the expressed written permission of Men of Faith.